


Hot chocolate and PTSD

by hadesboyfriend



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Body Dysphoria, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Jace Wayland, Panic Attacks, Past Clace, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Jace Wayland, can you tell i project, its mentioned very briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 12:23:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15000812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hadesboyfriend/pseuds/hadesboyfriend
Summary: Nobody truly understands the impact Valentine has on Jace's present.Everybody always teases him about not knowing enough about the world.Jace breaks down because his friends accidentally causes him to remember his painful past, and it hurts Simon to see Jace in pain.





	Hot chocolate and PTSD

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sexyhorseface](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sexyhorseface/gifts), [Gibbsalot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gibbsalot/gifts), [MediocreSalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediocreSalad/gifts).



2:00 AM

 

Bleary-eyed Jace watched as a decade of movies, music videos and news events flashed before his eyes. One after the other. He wasn't really watching anymore, he was just consuming them to say that he had watched all the important pop culture that he should. It always ended like this. One moment he'd be out with the gang, then somebody mentions something he had no idea about. This time it was The Matrix, "A Cult Classic." according to Alec. The rest always echoed the sentiment with things like "I know us Shadowhunters are behind but come on! Even Izzy and I have seen that one" "How don't you know about that? It was everywhere when it came out!". It was moments like these which always made him realize just how much of his childhood was stolen from him, how nobody will ever understand his past, and how Valentine still controls his life.  
He let out a heavy sigh and slammed his laptop shut while a character was in mid-sentence and shuffled his way from his computer to the bed. 

He neglected to take off his binder before he fell asleep. 

 

8:47 AM 

 

His entire body jolted awake as if he had been electrocuted, the nightmare that had plagued him during the night still playing in his mind, he could still feel the phantom vines muffling him, stopping his screams and entrapping him in place, away from Simon, Alec, Izzy, and Clary who where all laughing behind a glass wall. 

As he realized he was safe, his body relaxed one centimeter at a time. He shook his head and stretched his arms above his head, as he did he felt a sharp stitch in his side, the binder. Grimacing, not from the pain but about the day he'll have to spend without his binder. 

He got out a shirt, a black one with the guns and roses logo. Simon left it the last time he came over to "train". They ended up dueling each other with Simons new Nintendo switch, and Simon wanted to get in character for the modeling, so they had raided Izzy's closet and put on a show, much to Magnus delight. 

Squeezing his eyes shut, he let his body take off the binder and put on the shirt. Luckily Simon always wears clothes 2 times to big for his lithe frame. Not that he ever thinks what Simon would look like in clothes that fit him properly. 

He opened his eyes and looked down, and felt the familiar drain of energy that came with his dysphoria. Seeing his chest always made him feel like an alien with a body that doesn't fit into society. Today was going to be tiring. 

 

09:12 AM

 

Three soft knocks on his bedroom door startled Jace out of writing music, he hid the sheets in a flurry of turning them over and shoving them under the bed. He finally let out a breathless "Come in" Simons head peeped through the door and said in his signature shy but sweet voice "Um I was supposed to have training? with you I mean" 

How could he have forgotten, the one event a week he always looked forward to, helping Simon improve his self-defense skills. "Sorry Simon, I, uh" He motioned to his chest "I'm physically unable to train with you today" Simon nodded his brown eyes filled with kindness and understanding. "Should we pl-Wait is that my shirt?!"Jace grinned awkwardly and answered "Yes, you left it here after our modeling show last week, and it's much bigger than all of my shirts so it does a better job of... you know" Not to mention the calming effect of the smell of Simons old spice had on him. 

"Oh god, I still need to give Izzy her dress back. Jace um, if you don't mind me asking, I heard you hiding a bunch of papers before I walked in, what were you working on?" Jace could feel his entire body light up like a red rune "Well you see, um its... institute paperwork?" Simon snorted "All of a sudden Mr smooth as molasses can't talk? Now I know it's definitely not Institute related work" Simon started running with his vampire speed and before Jace could think it through he threw his body is Simons path. 

Simon was on top of him, his hands on either side of Jace's head, The force of his running being obstructed by Jace's body had knocked both of them down. A blissful moment of quiet existed between them as they looked into each other's eyes and drank in the lines of the others face. It was perfect until Simon leapt up like a shooting star and ran to the door, muttering out a quick "See you tonight at Magnus's?" before disappearing through the door. Jace sighed, that stupid stupid pretty idiot. 

The image of Simon with his doe brown eyes dancing around in his head to the rhythm of the music he was writing.

 

7:53 PM 

 

Magnuses serpent doorknob stared him in the face. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be around people while he felt as alien and out of place as he did now. He didn't want to speak and be reminded of how high his voice is. He just wanted to go home and write music. But here he was knocking on the door of High Warlock of Brooklyn. 

The moment he did he heard a commotion of things falling and furniture sliding on a wooden floor inside, people shuffling around and several squeaks of "His here!" until the door finally swing open and a flushed Magnus greeted him "Jace! I'm glad you could make it!" In his living room, Alec, Izzy, Clary, and Simon were all standing in a formation holding back smiles. 

There was a beat of silence. 

Then Clary practically shouted without any pauses, all of her words tumbling over each other "Since you never know what we're talking about we decided to have a movie night to educate you on all the classics" He felt his heart and shoulders drop as his entire being became smaller, trying to push through it he attempted to say "Thank y-" all of a sudden he couldn't breath and he felt his skin flaming red, with a strained voice he announced "I'm going to the roof. Leave me alone please." He turned around a resisting and the urge to run by carefully forcing himself to walk calmly, he made his way to the roof. 

In the room he left behind, they all stared at each other until Magnus broke the silence "Alec?" Alec shrugged and said, "I feel his hurt but I am as confused as you are." To everyone's surprise, Simon spoke up "I'll go up."

On the roof, Jace's legs dangled over the edge. His cheeks were wet from tears, he was completely still however his mind was racing. How was he supposed to be like everybody else? How was he supposed to just know all these facts about the world? How was he supposed to meet their impossible standards of knowledge? For the first 10 years of his life, the only person he knew was Valentine, He knew other people existed in theory, but not in practice. He lived in the woods with the wild things, they didn't know about the show friends and neither did he. As far as he knew he was a freak. A boy who was trapped in a girls body didn't exist in his world of cabins, pinecones, and lakes. 

His thoughts went spun in dizzying circles, echoing in his head. They drowned out the sound of Simon approaching him until he heard Simon scream out "Don't jump!" and felt Simons vampire strength pull him away from the edge and into a hug. Jace remained limp in the hug just letting Simons strong arms encircle him until he spat out "I told everyone to leave me alone." Releasing the hug and taking him by the shoulders and staring into his red eyes Simon said: "Fuck off Jace, I know you need someone right now, I might not be your parabiti, sister, or ex-girlfriend but I need to do something." Gesturing to the red couches that lined the edge of the roof he said "Let's talk" 

They sat down. Jace sitting hunched over with his hands on his face and Simon sitting on the floor below him. Simon demanded, "So what is this about Jace." Taking a deep breath and looking into Simons kind brown eyes, Jace's instincts screamed at him, that this vampire was worthy of his trust. After taking a moment to gather his thoughts and dry his face he said "Valentine." He tried to find more words but the torrent of emotions was too difficult to express. Simon looked at him, recognizing the emotional tornado in Jaces eyes and prompted "What about Valentine? What does your mysterious tortured past have to do with watching movies with your friends?" 

Jace shook his head and said “Everything, and nothing at the same time Simon” Simon answered is a soft voice, like he was talking to a wounded animal “Jace, there is no vampire power to read minds, So I’m gonna need you to be straight with me, I just want you to feel better” Looking at the floor, and swallowing the lump in his throat he once again attempted to explain “I just-Its not re-” His cheeks were wet all of a sudden and Simon was wiping them away and holding him “I missed a decade of movies, which doesn’t matter to me, but every time somebody brings up how little I’ve seen, it just reminds me of how different I am, how nobody will ever be able to understand what it was like to be raised isolated from the world by Valentine. Every time somebody makes fun of me for not having seen the movies they have, the pain of being completely separate from everyone but Valentine becomes fresh again an-” He let out a haggard sob and completely collapsed onto Simon who held him and dragged him down to the floor, putting Jace's face against his chest and started stroking his hair and tried to soothe him by saying “Hey hey, it's going to be okay Jace, I’ve got you” Jace buried his face into Simons' shoulder and sobbed. He cried for his lost childhood, he cried about his abuse, He cried for all the years he spent alone, and he cried about how difficult it was to be trans and completely, utterly alone. 

They stayed on the rooftop floor that for hours. Simon holding Jace, stroking his hair, and occasionally muttering some comforting words, and Jace sobbing until he stopped and he just lay, sticky faced and puffy eyed until Simon offered to go fetch them hot chocolate. As Simon got up Jace tugged the edge of Simons shirt “Please don’t let the others come upstairs. I can’t deal with them right now” Simon nodded and said, “Just stay here, and hold on till I get back” 

Simon came back after a few quick minutes, Jace suspected Magnus had magicked up the hot chocolate. “I bought us a blanket, It's getting kind of cold, not that I can feel it, just worried about you” Simon set down the hot chocolate and the blanket on the patio table. Jace made a startled noise when Simon picked him up and carried him bridal style to a red couch. He brought over the hot chocolate and blanket and sat next to Jace, draping the velvety blanket over them. “Wait a minute, I need to figure out which one has a blood supplement” After sniffing both of them, he handed Jace the hot chocolate and said “Here, let's hope I got it right” He did, the hot chocolate seemed to coat Jaces insides and calm him down. “Thank you, for you know...this,” He said gesturing to the hot chocolate and the blanket, but they both knew he meant so much more. Simon tilted his head to cath Jace's eyes “Hey man anytime, I hate to see you hurting, and I want to do anything in my power to stop you from all harm” 

Jace turned and looked at Simon, the fairy lights strung above them making his chocolate eyes glitter, creating a halo around his chaotic brunette hair, illuminating his pale skin with a golden hue, all the sharp angles of his jaw and cheekbones were more prominent, and yet his lips curved softly. Simons breath caught as Jace's eyes scoured his face. Jace leaned in, closing the gap between them, and paused for a moment centimeters away from his leps and hoarsely whispered "Thank you" before kissing him softly, Simon could feel the wetness from the tears, the chapped lips of stress biting and the soft vulnerability Jace was sharing with him, it was more than just a thank you. It was a symbol of trust. It was a promise of the future.


End file.
